No Means Yes and Other Ways Czech Keeps Me On My Toes

For the past eight weeks, I have been attempting to learn the Czech language (Uchim se Cesky- I am learning Czech). Czech is hard. I’ve heard that English is very hard to learn, but everyone here scoffs at that idea and insists that English is a breeze compared to Czech. I guess that I’ve made considerable progress in my short time here, but not enough to convince anyone that I maybe possibly could ever be fluent. That said, I think I’m somewhat assimilated here, because sometime during three of the last four days I have been asked for directions in Czech. Unfortunately, I cannot give them, but I can say, “Prominte, uchim se Cesky, vim jednom maly” (I’m sorry, I’m learning Czech, and I know only a little), and I’m learning to say “But you made my day by asking me.”

First of all, you should know that I am really misrepresenting the language in this blog. Many Czech letters have accents over them (which means you make the noise for a longer time), apostrophes after them, or other markings that signal entirely different letters. For example, vis, which means “you know,” is actually written “víš,“ and nobody would understand it the first way I wrote it, because that’s a completley different word. Also, Czech is spelled phonetically; they don’t even practice spelling in school because it should be logical. You would think that this would make things easier for me, but I’m constantly trying to complicate things English-style, and I have a very hard time remembering what sounds the vowels make, since they are different than ours. So I frequently look like an idiot when I have to ask someone „Jak se to píše?“ (How do you write it?) because they think it’s obvious. I have the worst time with the letter c an other similar sounds, because „c“ is pronouced something like „ts“ (So the Czech version of the name Claire is „Klara“ and no one can say my name), which is impossible for me to remember. Also, the stress is always on the first syllable of the word, which might sound easy, but is harder than it sounds in practice, and leads to conversations like this:
Host Family: Where did you go last night?
Claire: Akropolis.
Host Family: Gde? (Where?)
Claire: Akropolis
Host family: *shakes head*
Claire: AKropolis
Host family: AH, Akropolis!

...and I feel like we’re in some terrible comedy routine.

Also, you may have noticed the immense amount of consonants in words. Again, this is theoretically no problem, because you just pronounce each letter and make the word. Not so simple. The word for “four” is “čtyři”, and that’s not easy to say three times fast. Worse, the word for “I want” is “Chci”, and I absolutely cannot say it for the life of me. Good old linguistic determinism factors in, and it’s safe to say that I have not found occasion to want anything in Czech. Seriously, whenever I consider it I decide that my desire actually isn’t that important after all. I can, however, ask someone if they want to do something (Neches jit = do you want to go), but as you may notice, the polite thing here is to ask questions using the negative, so to say “Don’t you want to go?” instead of “Do you want to go?”. This gets a little annoying when people do it to me, but I think it’s a funny way to ask other people things.

As indicated by the title “no” actually means “yes.” The full word for no is “ano,” but people always shorten it (two syllables is sort of extreme for such a simple meaning). It’s so strange to expect someone to answer yes and hear them say no. My mind can’t handle that sort of contradiction, so luckily there is a different, more casual way of saying “yes”: “jo”. “Jo” is pronounced “Yo” and is often used multiple times in quick succession: “jo jo jo jo”. I already know I’m going to sound ridiculous when I return and say “yo” all of the time, so prepare yourself for that. “No” is “ne”, which is easy if you’ve got yes straightened out.

There are three permutations of “thank you”: Děkuju, děkuji, and diky. There are also at least three forms of greeting, my favorite being “Ahoj!” (In case I haven’t told you, ahoj is pronounced ahoy and the joy of saying it never gets old). You can also say čao (ciao/chow), but watch out- the people here make fun of how I say it (and sometimes “jo”) because of my Midwestern accent. I’m not kidding. I was nodding and saying “jo” when talking to one of our professors here and he stopped me and said, “Wait, you’re from the Midwest, aren’t you?” Ridiculous.

Other things I say frequently include; “Dam si zeleny caj prosim” (I’ll have green tea, please), “Gde je ___” (Where is _____), “Jak se rekne ____” (How do you say _____), and of course I say numbers in Czech as often as possible to practice, even though it’s tough sometimes. It really often feels like I’m back in preschool, since the things we are learning are so basic. This is what I know (I don’t know if this is interesting for you, but it will be good for me in the future—I’m writing without accents and such again because it’s really a pain):

1. Basic greetings/what to say when you meet someone for the first time; “Odkud ste?” (Where are you from?), “Tesi me” (Nice to meet you), “Co delate?” (What do you do?)

2. How to order food and drink in a restaurant; “Zaplatim” (I will pay), “zvlast nebo dohmorady” (separate or together), “Jeste jednom” (One more), etc. ---and of course the names for all of the food!

3. How to ask for directions and orientation words; “nadrazi” (train station), “vpravo” (right), “uprostred” (center)

4. Numbers through 100

5. How to set up a meeting with someone, the days of the week, the times of the day; “Sejdeme se” (we will meet), “nemam cas” (I don’t have time), “Musim pracovat” (I have to work, “Muzu” (I can), “v stredu” (on Wednesday), odpoledne (afternoon)

6. How to describe a family and say what they like to do; “Mat rad(a)” (to like), “babicka” (grandmother), “tatinek” (father), “maminka” (mother), “se jmenuje” (is named)

7. Verbs that someone thought would be useful; “Cist” (to read), “tancovat” (to dance), “nakupovat” (to shop), “spat” (to sleep), etc.

8. Past tense!

9. Adjectives! -à These are new and it is so nice to be able to have an opinion about something in Czech! Thank goodness. On Thursday we all went to an art museum and we had to pick out a painting and do a presentation for the class in Czech on why we liked it. I felt ridiculous, but it’s nice that I can finally express myself; “Krasny” (beautiful), “smutny” (sad), “zajiminy” (interesting), “vesely” (cheerful/happy), “strasny” (terrible), “nudny” (boring)

And that’s about it. I do know some random words like “slon” is elephant, etc, but nothing too substantial. It’s an adventure, that’s for sure.

For the sake of posterity, I would like to record that last night I went to Lucerna for the 80s and 90s music video night. It was beautiful. The Czech people, along with not caring what other people think of them on the metro, also don’t seem to have any qualms on the dance floor. Another Seinfeld reference: Elaine would have been one of the best dancers there. I am not joking or exaggerating. It was awesome.

Also, (I know that this isn’t a food entry, but I have to say it) I finally bought a hot dog from one of the street vendors, and it was exactly like a Stangleville hot dog except for three times as big. It was so so good, you have no idea.